Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
