I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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