i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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