Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
