I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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