that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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