I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
