MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
