Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just gargled with NyQuil
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
