Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize