He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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