you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You smell like stripper and shame
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
