his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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