her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
