How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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