Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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