I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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