Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
