I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize