Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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