why didn't you poke me back
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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