The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize