Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
