"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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