Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
