I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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