I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
