I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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