when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
