I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
