I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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