why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
