based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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