Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
