You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize