Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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