I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
