we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
