It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need to sanitize my soul.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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