I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
