well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
