i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
