you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
