Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
