Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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