I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it penis luge time yet?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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