I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
