nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I intend to get homeless drunk
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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