Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
