dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize