Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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