Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
