No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
