So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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