Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
