I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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