WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
