All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We left the knife in your bed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
