Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
