I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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